ONE MINUTE MELEE!
WHERE ALL THE FIGHTS ARE SETTLED IN 60 SECONDS!
TWO FIGHTERS!
NO RESEARCH!
MELEE!
--
New York
Today was no ordinary day in New York.
A giant, flying spaceship had landed on the streets near Corleone High Junior High School. Out of it stepped...
The man with a black helmet, dark cape and dark armor. None other than the legendary villain himself, Darth Vader.
About a week ago, Vader was here but he had left the planet as it was unworthy. However, while he was there, a man named Jerome had came up to the Sith Lord and said right to his face the following words:
"Hey L'il dude from the stars above, lemme hold a dollar."
Vader gave him the dollar, thinking Jerome would return it... he never did.
Vader made his way down the street when he turned to see where he met Jerome. He wasn't there. What was there was a woman known as Rochelle who began to walk up to Darth Vader.
"OH NONONONONNONONONO," Rochelle began. "SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TAKE YOUR GIANT SPACESHIP AND PARK IT SOMEWHERE ELSE BECAUSE THAT IS BLOCKING OUR ROAD."
Vader - now annoyed - merely pulled out his lightsaber. "Your complaints are insignificant to the power of the force."
Rochelle sensed a fight coming. "OH HELL NO, I DON'T GOT TIME FOR THIS, MY MAN HAS TWO JOBS."
Rochelle turned to her apartment and yelled, "JULIUS!"
The door to Rochelle's apartment opened up and out stepped a black man in a jumpsuit with a nametag saying 'Julius'.
"Rochelle, what is it?" Julius asked as he made his way down the steps and turned to face his wife. Rochelle pointed at Darth Vader and said, "This tin man just parked his spaceship right on our street!"
Julius turned to see the massive vehicle and said, "I don't see why this matters. I mean, just let the robot do what hes gotta do..."
Vader was now irritated. With a motion of the force, Vader lifted a rock off of the ground and pushed it at Rochelle and Julius. Both of them ducked and the rock missed, shattering the Rock's apartment's window. Julius looked back at the broken window, baffled and then turned to face Vader. "Thats three-hundred dollars right down the drain!" He said. Now infuriated, Julius faced Vader as Rochelle walked back inside. As his wife walked inside, she said, "Have fun, honey!"
The two fathers faced each other but only one would survive.
Vader made the first move. He dashed forward and slashed with his lightsaber. Much to his dismay, however, Julius was far quicker than he seemed and managed to duck underneath the slash. Julius stepped back away from the Sith Lord to get some distance...
He needed a weapon. Quickly, Julius reached down and pulled his belt out. Sure, his pants would fall more likely but it was a weapon nonetheless.
Vader lunged forward and stabbed at Julius but Chris Rock's dad was not going to die just yet. With a motion of his hand, Julius made his belt wrap around Vader's lightsaber. He pulled with all his might and now, Julius Rock had a red, glowing lightsaber in one hand and a belt in the other.
He began twirling the belt and lightsaber until both were like helicopter blades. Vader needed to do something fast or this could get him in some deep shit. Thats when he remembered that he sort of had the ability to just move stuff with telekinesis.
Of course, this would work!
Using his telekinesis, Vader pulled his blade right out of Julius' hand. "Hey man, now that just ain't fair!" Julius said.
Vader's response?
Simple.
With a motion of the Force, Vader lifted Julius off of his feet and tossed him back into a fire hydrant. This resulted in the hydrant being broken and water shooting up into the skies above. Julius survived the impact and began to stand. He saw the broken hydrant and looked at it with disgust. "THAT'S ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN!" Mr. Rock ranted, despite now even owning said hydrant.
"Costs are insignificant to the power of the dark side." Vader quipped as he then caused a ball of electricity to appear. Vader blasted the ball of electricity forward. It hit the plume of water and caused electricity to spray out everywhere! Julius' eyes widened in shock as the blast nailed him in the chest and caused him to fall onto his back.
Mr. Rock slowly stood and rubbed his head... and then reached into his pockets. He pulled out his coins... which had all melted from the electricity. Julius looked back at Vader with nothing but rage. "...thats THIRTY SEVEN CENTS COMPLETELY WASTED!" He yelled. Julius dashed at Vader but the Sith Lord was ready. He used the Force to lift Julius-
It didn't do shit. Julius broke the power of the Force, blitzed forward and smashed his fist into Vader's helmet! To say that Anakin had the mother of all headaches would be an understatement. The Sith Lord stumbled back and clutched his skull. Could he possibly lose to this mere truck driver?! Impossible...
Vader, however, didn't feel completely pathetic. With a quick twist of the Force, he threw Julius into the sky and with another boost of power from the Force, he sent Julius flying across the street! Julius landed on his back and moaned in pain.
Julius slowly stood up and realized he needed more power to win this. Thats when he remembered what was in his pocket. He pulled out a bottle of Old Spice.
Rock didn't want to have to use this but circumstances demanded it. He pulled the cap off of the bottle... and then... a massive flash of light blinded Vader.
When the light vanished and revealed Julius' fate, he was no longer an ordinary man.
Now...
He was...
The Old Spice guy.
--
About a week ago, Vader was here but he had left the planet as it was unworthy. However, while he was there, a man named Jerome had came up to the Sith Lord and said right to his face the following words:
"Hey L'il dude from the stars above, lemme hold a dollar."
Vader gave him the dollar, thinking Jerome would return it... he never did.
Vader made his way down the street when he turned to see where he met Jerome. He wasn't there. What was there was a woman known as Rochelle who began to walk up to Darth Vader.
"OH NONONONONNONONONO," Rochelle began. "SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TAKE YOUR GIANT SPACESHIP AND PARK IT SOMEWHERE ELSE BECAUSE THAT IS BLOCKING OUR ROAD."
Vader - now annoyed - merely pulled out his lightsaber. "Your complaints are insignificant to the power of the force."
Rochelle sensed a fight coming. "OH HELL NO, I DON'T GOT TIME FOR THIS, MY MAN HAS TWO JOBS."
Rochelle turned to her apartment and yelled, "JULIUS!"
The door to Rochelle's apartment opened up and out stepped a black man in a jumpsuit with a nametag saying 'Julius'.
"Rochelle, what is it?" Julius asked as he made his way down the steps and turned to face his wife. Rochelle pointed at Darth Vader and said, "This tin man just parked his spaceship right on our street!"
Julius turned to see the massive vehicle and said, "I don't see why this matters. I mean, just let the robot do what hes gotta do..."
Vader was now irritated. With a motion of the force, Vader lifted a rock off of the ground and pushed it at Rochelle and Julius. Both of them ducked and the rock missed, shattering the Rock's apartment's window. Julius looked back at the broken window, baffled and then turned to face Vader. "Thats three-hundred dollars right down the drain!" He said. Now infuriated, Julius faced Vader as Rochelle walked back inside. As his wife walked inside, she said, "Have fun, honey!"
The two fathers faced each other but only one would survive.
DADDY'S HOME!
FIGHT!
FIGHT!
Vader made the first move. He dashed forward and slashed with his lightsaber. Much to his dismay, however, Julius was far quicker than he seemed and managed to duck underneath the slash. Julius stepped back away from the Sith Lord to get some distance...
He needed a weapon. Quickly, Julius reached down and pulled his belt out. Sure, his pants would fall more likely but it was a weapon nonetheless.
Vader lunged forward and stabbed at Julius but Chris Rock's dad was not going to die just yet. With a motion of his hand, Julius made his belt wrap around Vader's lightsaber. He pulled with all his might and now, Julius Rock had a red, glowing lightsaber in one hand and a belt in the other.
He began twirling the belt and lightsaber until both were like helicopter blades. Vader needed to do something fast or this could get him in some deep shit. Thats when he remembered that he sort of had the ability to just move stuff with telekinesis.
Of course, this would work!
Using his telekinesis, Vader pulled his blade right out of Julius' hand. "Hey man, now that just ain't fair!" Julius said.
Vader's response?
Simple.
With a motion of the Force, Vader lifted Julius off of his feet and tossed him back into a fire hydrant. This resulted in the hydrant being broken and water shooting up into the skies above. Julius survived the impact and began to stand. He saw the broken hydrant and looked at it with disgust. "THAT'S ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN!" Mr. Rock ranted, despite now even owning said hydrant.
"Costs are insignificant to the power of the dark side." Vader quipped as he then caused a ball of electricity to appear. Vader blasted the ball of electricity forward. It hit the plume of water and caused electricity to spray out everywhere! Julius' eyes widened in shock as the blast nailed him in the chest and caused him to fall onto his back.
Mr. Rock slowly stood and rubbed his head... and then reached into his pockets. He pulled out his coins... which had all melted from the electricity. Julius looked back at Vader with nothing but rage. "...thats THIRTY SEVEN CENTS COMPLETELY WASTED!" He yelled. Julius dashed at Vader but the Sith Lord was ready. He used the Force to lift Julius-
It didn't do shit. Julius broke the power of the Force, blitzed forward and smashed his fist into Vader's helmet! To say that Anakin had the mother of all headaches would be an understatement. The Sith Lord stumbled back and clutched his skull. Could he possibly lose to this mere truck driver?! Impossible...
Vader, however, didn't feel completely pathetic. With a quick twist of the Force, he threw Julius into the sky and with another boost of power from the Force, he sent Julius flying across the street! Julius landed on his back and moaned in pain.
Julius slowly stood up and realized he needed more power to win this. Thats when he remembered what was in his pocket. He pulled out a bottle of Old Spice.
Rock didn't want to have to use this but circumstances demanded it. He pulled the cap off of the bottle... and then... a massive flash of light blinded Vader.
When the light vanished and revealed Julius' fate, he was no longer an ordinary man.
Now...
He was...
The Old Spice guy.
Vader channeled a massive amount of his Force powers into four electrical balls. "You underestimate me..." The Sith Lord said. With that, every ball of electricity was sent flying forward and bombarded Julius with them. The balls exploded, creating a large layer of smoke nobody could see through.
"You were impressive... but not impre-" Vader was interrupted by a sudden yelling.
"OLD SPICE IS SO GOOD THAT IT MAKES YOU IMMUNE TO ELECTRICITY!"
Julius blasted forward and kneed Vader in the stomach. If it weren't for his mask, Vader would have vomited his lunch all over the place. The Sith Lord was sent flying through the skies and landed on his back. He could barely stand. He looked around and noticed that Rock was nowhere to be found.
But he knew he was up to something...
But... what was it?
"THIS IS SIX-HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX DOLLARS GOING TO COMPLETE WASTE!!!"
Vader looked up and nearly took a dump in his mechanical pants from the shocking view. The sun was blocked out by Julius fucking Rock holding a delivery truck over his head and coming down onto him. Julius slammed the truck on top of Vader and began punching it over and over until he pulled back his fist and slammed into the truck so hard that it exploded.
As soon as the blast vanished, Vader was on his knees in the middle of a crater. His armor was broken, bits of it was scratched or even broken off and he couldn't stand up.
Julius began walking over to Vader. The Sith Lord lifted his hand and began applying the Force onto Rock... who didn't budge.
Vader stared in shock at this... man.
No, this was no ordinary man.
It was fear, manliness, greediness and courage all smashed into one powerful man.
Julius pulled out a box and grabbed Vader. He shoved the Sith Lord into the box and sealed it up. He taped it as well.
He tossed the box into the air, pulled back his foot and yelled...
"SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR DARTH SIDIOUS!"
With that, he kicked the box and it was sent flying. It went into orbit in an instant and flew right into the Death Star. The collision resulted in the Death Star exploded. The blast echoed throughout the universe as Vader yelled...
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that was the last of the great Sith Lord.
Julius put his hand on his hips and began to shake his head. "Thats 852,000,000,000,000,000 dollars completely wasted..."
Julius was suddenly consumed in a bright flash of light. Upon the light going away, Julius was back in his jumpsuit and no longer in his Old Spice form.
He turned to walk inside, completely ignoring the cries of help from someone...
Chris Rock was stuck underneath one of the broken pieces of the Death Star and tried to get out.
"DAD! DAD! WAIT, DAD! HELP!"
Julius didn't hear him and walked inside.
Everybody HaaaaAAAATTTTEEES CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIS...
"You were impressive... but not impre-" Vader was interrupted by a sudden yelling.
"OLD SPICE IS SO GOOD THAT IT MAKES YOU IMMUNE TO ELECTRICITY!"
Julius blasted forward and kneed Vader in the stomach. If it weren't for his mask, Vader would have vomited his lunch all over the place. The Sith Lord was sent flying through the skies and landed on his back. He could barely stand. He looked around and noticed that Rock was nowhere to be found.
But he knew he was up to something...
But... what was it?
"THIS IS SIX-HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX DOLLARS GOING TO COMPLETE WASTE!!!"
Vader looked up and nearly took a dump in his mechanical pants from the shocking view. The sun was blocked out by Julius fucking Rock holding a delivery truck over his head and coming down onto him. Julius slammed the truck on top of Vader and began punching it over and over until he pulled back his fist and slammed into the truck so hard that it exploded.
As soon as the blast vanished, Vader was on his knees in the middle of a crater. His armor was broken, bits of it was scratched or even broken off and he couldn't stand up.
Julius began walking over to Vader. The Sith Lord lifted his hand and began applying the Force onto Rock... who didn't budge.
Vader stared in shock at this... man.
No, this was no ordinary man.
It was fear, manliness, greediness and courage all smashed into one powerful man.
Julius pulled out a box and grabbed Vader. He shoved the Sith Lord into the box and sealed it up. He taped it as well.
He tossed the box into the air, pulled back his foot and yelled...
"SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR DARTH SIDIOUS!"
With that, he kicked the box and it was sent flying. It went into orbit in an instant and flew right into the Death Star. The collision resulted in the Death Star exploded. The blast echoed throughout the universe as Vader yelled...
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that was the last of the great Sith Lord.
Julius put his hand on his hips and began to shake his head. "Thats 852,000,000,000,000,000 dollars completely wasted..."
Julius was suddenly consumed in a bright flash of light. Upon the light going away, Julius was back in his jumpsuit and no longer in his Old Spice form.
He turned to walk inside, completely ignoring the cries of help from someone...
Chris Rock was stuck underneath one of the broken pieces of the Death Star and tried to get out.
"DAD! DAD! WAIT, DAD! HELP!"
Julius didn't hear him and walked inside.
Everybody HaaaaAAAATTTTEEES CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIS...
K.O.!
--
THIS MELEE'S WINNER IS...
JULIUS ROCK
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